Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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