Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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