My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
