people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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