Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
