Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
