a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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