The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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