Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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