Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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