last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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