oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
