im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
How's work?
Spinning.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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