I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
