I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
