Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
