I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
