It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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