my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I need a beard to bite.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
