Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Congratulations! We have a period
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