i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
