you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
