You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
