i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
