I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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