He asked me if I "almost moaned"
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
