I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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