just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
