Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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