oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Randomize
