Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
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