Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
