I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Well I just put wine in my tea
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize