Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
