im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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