I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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