I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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