I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
