You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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