Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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