I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
