You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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