I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
