So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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