I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
