sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
