I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
