he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
