My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
