Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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