Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
