well you can't waste a boner
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
