hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize