I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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