My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
