Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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