And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize